Mental Toughness is Not a Flex

As the Final Four is upon us, it makes me think about some of the really talented and wise college basketball coaches I have had the opportunity to work with over the years, guys like Will Wade, Shaka Smart, Penny Hardaway, and Josh Pastner, to name a few. Every now and then I will hear one of them imparting a gem of wisdom to his players, and it will stick with me. If it's really good, I will end up stealing it and incorporating it into my mental performance coaching toolbox.

One such occasion happened a few years back when I was working with VCU basketball and their coach at the time, Mike Rhoades, said this to his guys, "Mental toughness is not some kind of flex. Mental toughness is the way in which we respond to adversity." His wise words had a profound impact on me, as they are spot on. He succinctly articulated the very essence of mental toughness.

This popular misconception about mental toughness is that we can just turn it on whenever we want, like some kind of macho flex. If this were the case, everyone would be doing it all the time. Because we can't control all of the variables that occur to us and around us in the heat of competition, the most powerful thing we can do is to try to stay in neutral gear emotionally. In other words, we have a better chance of keeping our wits about us if we don't get too high or two low mentally depending on the outcome of each and every play that unfolds during the game. We need to be mindful to be responsive instead of reactive during this course of the competition.

Some players think if they respond to an adverse situation during a game with an extreme emotion (like anger) it is an advantage. They see this as "mental toughness." They are wrong. It is actually the opposite of mental toughness, because getting overly emotional zaps our focus, as it depletes our cognitive bandwidth. When an athlete gets knee-jerk emotional every time something goes wrong in the game, that athlete becomes hijacked by his emotions, and as a result, performance suffers.

Look at the greats, players like Kobe, Michael Jordan, and Steph Curry. Study their faces, actions, and body language, and you will discover that they don't walk around trying to flex their mental toughness. Instead, they are calm, composed and focused, always ready for the next play, no matter what happened with the last play. In addition, they have ways in which they mentally reset themselves after every play. They do this so often, that it eventually becomes second nature, almost automatic.

It is fine to play with a chip on your shoulder, but don't let that chip weigh you down by becoming a boulder. It is normal to feel emotions during a game, things like frustration, disappointment, happiness, etc. The key is to recognize it, and let go of it quickly, so you can get mentally stuck into the next play. You must do this over and over continuously. If you can master this, you will elevate your game to the next level.

As Coach Rhoades told his players, you can't control everything that happens during the course of the game, but you can control how you respond. This is true mental toughness.

Greg Graber is an internationally respected leadership and mental performance coach who helps teams, schools, organizations, and individuals thrive under pressure. With a foundation in mindfulness-based practices, Greg teaches people how to stay grounded, focused, and resilient in fast-paced, high-stakes environments.

His practical, science-backed approach has made him a go-to expert for elite performers across industries — from professional sports and education to healthcare, hospitality, and law enforcement.